I Thought We Were United

United Airlines is out here snatching people off planes. Who knew slave ships had wings? There is nothing funny about being physically removed from an aircraft, but let’s be honest, that man had no fight in his heart. One little snag and he had given up, allowing himself to be dragged. 

An overbooked plane is nobody’s fault but the airline itself. All those sitting on the plane paid for their tickets, and needed to arrive at their destination as safe as possible. Making room for flight attendants shouldn’t be that hard. Give the employees an iPad and sit them in the bathroom. Honestly, free Wifi, a bathroom, and a few bottles of water will satisfy almost anybody.

I’m convinced that people think it’s still the 80s, when anything and everything you did was just word of mouth. Not any more, there are cameras everywhere. Everybody has cameras. Even babies have cameras. When I was one I was playing in dirt, but the one year olds now are out here temple running and angry birding.

I’m just sick at the fact they choose the man in mom jeans. The man with no heart left to give. Let United Airlines try to drag a Trump supporter off a plane, that video would’ve ended up on Worldstarhiphop. A black women? Lord knows, everybody would have gotten sued. All the pilots would have ended up like Denzel Washington in Flight.

And why did the boot cut jeaned cop feel the need to be involved. Nobody needed his help. I understand the idea to serve and protect, but you able to do that from row 37, sir. The craziest part about this story is that it was a flight from Chicago to Louisville, an hour flight. I repeat, an hour flight. Maybe if it was a 16 or 20 hour flight, I’d show some symphathy, but an hour, completely unnecessary.

All United had to do was to allow the man and the other three individuals to leave with their dignity, pay for their flights, first class, and reimburse their payments due to the inconvenience . You must give customers incentive to grant your request. No man should be dragged against his will. This is why I don’t fly now. I have two fears, snakes on a plane, and being dragged off one against my will.

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Just Give Me Some Time Sallie Mae

Sallie Mae has to be the thirstiest woman alive. She takes our virginity the second we step into the dorm room and keep calling us years after we’ve graduated. She only gives us 6 months to get our shit together before she slaps us in the face with monthly child support bills. It took former president, Barack Obama, decades to pay off his student loans and I only get 6 months? And the only reason he paid it off was because of his $1.9 million dollar book deal. Sallie Mae truly has to cut it out. She emails me everyday, constantly calls my aunts and uncles, and follows me on Instagram. It’s not that deep.

College is college; that’s my only explaination when people ask me should they go to school or not. Is it necessary, no, but does it help, of course. College grants students the possibility of living elsewhere, the possibility of living a whole new life, a start over. The reason I left Baltimore is because of school, had I not left, I’d probably be dead, but than again, had I not left I would’ve never met Sallie Mae. That’s something to think about. 

But college helps those who want to work for states, cities, those who want to learn techniques, and those who are unsure what they want to do. If finger painting is your passion and you do not need a degree to be successful, finger paint. But if you’ve been finger painting since you were twelve and your thumbs are all dried out by now, you might want to fill out some college applications.

There are some pros and cons, like everything else in life. With college you realize who you are and who you want to become. College makes you think, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. College makes you think, honestly college makes you think too much, about things like if you’re good enough, and will you be able to make it. These things are uncertain but if you keep pushing eventually you’ll have a breakthrough. 

I probably should’ve said this earlier but if you don’t know who Sallie Mae is you probably shouldn’t be reading this, but if you do, don’t sweat her. Sallie Mae is going to call you and she is going to keep calling you. Sallie Mae is going to press you like a broke baby mother. But you have to keep pushing forward. You might not be able to pay her child support bills now but eventually you’ll hand her a check, one fat check, and it’ll all be taken care of.

Ass shots. Ass shots. Ass shots.

Many women assume that having a bigger butt is the best way to achieve success, although it is one of them, it is not the only way. What ever happened to God made you perfect in his own way? Now individuals are creating payment plans to give themselves a little more plumpness, to tilt their nose a little more leftness, and to raise their eyebrows a little more upness. I understand that surgeons are ones who perform operations, but I assumed those operations were repairs not adjustments.

Now on Instagram a fat ass is a fat ass. A well taken photo of a nice butt well get my like every single time. The girl can have the face of the Grinch and the eye of the little boy from A Christmas Story and I still wouldn’t care, the ass is the only thing I’m focusing on. Now just because my focal point is skewed doesn’t mean I’m fully invested into this women’s career. A fat ass comes with more problems than people think.

 I grew up in Baltimore City, one of the meccas for fat asses, so I’ve seen my fair share. There were two types of women with fat asses. There are women who try to hide their ass because they much rather achieve success for their work rather than their assets. And there are women who use their ass rather than their work to achieve success. Both of these options are acceptable because it’s your body and that’s who you are. But if you don’t have an ass, suck it up. Baby penis’d men aren’t out here paying thousands for some inches. It’s ridiculous.

Am I completely against ass shots? Of course not. But if you’re my partner and I find out your butt is fake, missionary is the only position you’ll see me in. We’ll do missionary so much that we’ll both receive purple hearts by the end of the year. Ass shots are nice to look at but not to feel. Nobody likes cuffing a bag full of wet sand. 

There are plenty of ways to acquire an ass without paying money for it. I’ve seen it done plenty of times. But these ways differ because not every women is the same. Just because squats and peanut butter worked for Lisha doesn’t mean it’ll work for Rachel. And just because backshots, thanksgiving leftovers, and prayer worked for Rachel doesn’t mean it’ll work for Candice. If having a fatter ass is something that you so desperately need than just work for it. Because you might pay Dr. Miami $15,000 dollars but forget to buy new closet full of clothes or a bigger toilet seat. 

A fat ass is nice, yes it is, but it’s not everything. Eventually a fat ass becomes soggy which makes it less and less appealing, well ones that aren’t kept up. But they’re not everything. Now matte how you’re built the cards may not end in your favor. The best way to give yourself an opportunity is to know what you need to know, and to be who you truly are. 

If I Had A Type It’d Be Crazy Women

Let’s be honest, although Drake and other artists glorify strippers, they really aren’t all that. Strippers are beautiful women, with build a bear bodies, and a personality that warms your heart. But everybody fails to mention the fact that they’re crazy as hell. I’m not saying all strippers are crazy but the three I’ve dealt with made me erect as well as raise my blood pressure. 

I have a history of dealing with crazy women. To me, death threats are like love letters. Saying I love you just doesn’t mean as much anymore. But saying I’ll kill you, that’s real love. Unfortunately, well fortunately if I’m being honest, those I’ll kill yous were real I’ll kill yous. These strippers really tried to take my life. And I kind of liked it.

All strippers seem to have a few things in common; they’re about getting money, having fun, and they always seem to have a blade handy. I’ve yet to meet a stripper that didn’t have a knife tucked in some hidden body part. Maybe it’s because they’re surrounded by men who take thirst to a whole new level. Or maybe it’s because they’re crazy as hell. Either way that hidden blade is like a hidden treasure.

My ex girl, who happened to be a stripper was beautiful, and I’m average, so I’m not sure if we complimented each other, but I guess she enjoyed my company. My nonchalance seemed to turn her on. How I allowed her to live her life stress free, but the truth is, I didn’t care. I knew this relationship wasn’t going to last. I just enjoyed relaxing and giving late night booty rubs.

Now sometimes my nonchalance turns into carelessness. Carelessness leads to death threats. And death threats lead to dodging oncoming vehicles. Crazy right. It’s all Instagram’s fault. Now I barely use my Instagram. I’m 17 Instagram followers strong right now and it’s because I don’t care to take pictures. So when number three asked for my Instagram I responded I do not have one. Now to a woman that means I have one, but, I have plenty of women also, and I’m not trying to get caught up; which is not the truth, but she left it alone.

A week goes by and I randomly check my idle Instagram. The second I opened the app I knew something was wrong. I looked down to see 40 notifications, now either Chris Brown just shouted me out or I’ve been hacked. I clicked on the notifications and there she was under every photo I’ve every posted, all three of them, with phrases like”I’m going to kill you” “Watch this” “You damn liar” “I hope you’re ready to die”.

Am I ready to die? Not at all, but out of all those comments the scariest one had to be “watch this”. Saying watch this means that you’re already in the process of doing something crazy and you can’t wait to see my reaction. So what did I do? Did I reply to any of these messages? Nope. I put my phone on do not disturb and turned on the TV.

About an hour goes by and still nothing, so I figure it’s over and everything is okay. The fridge is empty and I’m starving, so I grab my keys and head to the car. The second I stepped onto the sidewalk a car comes flying at me. Thank God the car was a 2016 because had it been a 02 with faulty breaks she would’ve hit all the lower level apartments.

Now I’m trying to talk some sense into this woman, it wasn’t working at all. Gucci Mane’s First Day Out record was being played at the loudest volume possible; part of me wanted to sit back and admire the fact she knew the song word for word, but I couldn’t, because the other part of me was trying to stay alive.

Finally the song began to fade out and the driver’s side window rolled down. Peace right? Not at all. She screamed “You lying mothefucker”, tossed one of several blades at me, and drove off. None of those blades hit me, but had they hit me, I would not have responded back when she apologized to me via Instagram dms. 

We’re getting dinner tomorrow night.

You Might Want To Curse A Little More; It Could Save Your Life.

Who knew dropping the F bomb could say a life? Science has proven that those random outbursts, repeating the vulguar language located in today’s music, and those who constantly stub their toe on a bed that hasn’t moved in years, can now curse in peace.

Keele University, located in Staffordshire, England, did a study where they gathered a group of volunteers and placed their hands in cold freezing water. Those who were allowed to curse, their hands stayed under the water for longer periods of time, comparing to those who weren’t allowed to curse. The water had to be practically ice if you find yourself cursing.

Reseachers found that these phrases triggered an emotional response. The study stated that, 

“swearing increased pain tolerance, increased heart rate and decreased perceived pain compared with not swearing,” 

These phrases have not been documented to relieve stress but the increased pain tolerance is a key. Therefore if you ever find yourself with a bullet wound to the chest, a little knife inside your back, or falling from a cliff, you might want to let out a little swear. This swear might or might not save your life, but a broken bone might not feel so broken if you’re saying fuck every other second.

30 For 30 Freestyle

At 30 years old, is it safe to say Drake is the most influential artist of all time? Of course Tupac had bars, of course Biggie was fluent with rhyme schemes, but if we all sit back and look at the craft, who has released a body of work similar to Drakes’? Quentin Miller wasn’t around during Thank Me Later and he sure isn’t going to be around during More Life. The OVO sweatshop is full of great songwriters and before they can even think about leaking a great song Drake snatches it out of their hands and says, “This is going to hurt me way more then it will hurt you”.

It Drake doesn’t write his music, so what, nobody claims that he is the best songwriter, but all-around artist, he’s easily Top 5. Music is about tempo, cadence, melodies, meaning, these are all aspects a songwriter is not able to produce for an artist.

Views is the ideal example when it comes to the artistry that Drake delievers. The third track U With Me? is all cadence and meaning. No matter how cool the rhyme scheme is or how great an artist has used their syllables, it’s all about cadence. The vibes we acquire from these tracks are not beat influenced but they are artists influenced. We, as listeners, sing along to the artist not the beat.

The song Digital Dash is also a great example of Drakes’ cadence. During this time Drake was dealing with a situation involving P.Diddy, and what better way to throw a shot then via record.

I move the game up, I’m reckless                    I’m Harlem shaking through the pressure        I might put Diddy on my next shit                       I might gone fit you in on Wednesday           I’m not here for no pretend shit

Although he’s taken a ton of criticism for not going directly at certain individuals, Drake has always seemed to come out on top. Many artists tend to release music with no type of strategy, no platform, and honestly no content. In a world full of auto-tune and Nae Nae’s it’s great to still have an artist that actually represents something meaningful. 

Thank Me Later, Take Care, Nothing Was The Same, If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, What A Time To Be Alive and Views, like c’mon, these are all classic albums. I’m just thankful that when I’m 80 years old, sitting on the porch, and my grandkids start playing some new hip artist named Lil Google Chrome I’ll be able to cut that trash off and say “Listen to this old Drake, now this is real music.”

Bring Back Cheaters

There were two shows I use to watch growing up, Cheaters and Cops. If I didn’t see one person I knew on one, I saw somebody on the other. The show Catfish has been out for some time now but I’m pretty sure we all agree that Catfish is an off brand version of Cheaters.

The way my generation is set up, the return of Cheaters would have everybody on edge. Next-door neighbors, aunts and uncles, high school sweethearts, would all find themselves being placed on camera for having an affair.

Cheating has become the new faithful. Cheating is being accepted nowadays. Women are no longer keying cars and trying to stab, they have settled down to less valued objects such as shoes and clothing. A few pairs of ripped jeans is manageable, but a keyed car; I wish she would.

The return of Cheaters would set everybody straight. Back when Jerry Springer was at the hype of his career you saw white people acting cordial. It was because at any moment they could get that call and Jerry is on the other line. Cheaters would have the same affect for relationships.

Men and women will finally start being faithful, not because they’re in love, but because they don’t want to end up facing a camera crew, and a white guy with a microphone.

The last episode of Cheaters aired May 5th, 2015, which isn’t that long ago. A white couple Lucy Wheeler and Austin Carey, Carey being involved with another woman, but who truly cares about this lifeless relationship.

Cheaters needs to return the way Kobe left. I want to see fires. I want to hear shots. I want to see fights, not some white girl run up on her now ex-boyfriend making out with another woman. Whoever writes these Love and Hip Hop scripts need to pack their bags and head over to Bobby Goldsteins’ house so they can figure these new episodes out. 

2017 is closer then we think and what better way to start the new year, then to watch your ex-girlfriend, find out her current boyfriend is cheating on her via television.